A letter to my grandma

I don’t remember what your voice sounds like. I don’t remember all the good times we had together. Maybe we never had any. Maybe i made up memories, because i wanted something to hold onto. I remember how i felt when i walked into the nursing home, and you looked at me and asked my aunt “who is that”. She reminded you who i was, and you started smiling. It felt great. You hugged me so tight. I never wanted to let go. You were my hero. You had been through so much in your life, and you survived it all. I didn’t understand back then what was happening. I didn’t understand that you were in a constant battle with yourself. Your memories were being erased and there was nothing anyone could do about it. When they told me you had breast cancer, I didn’t worry because i knew you would make it through it, and you did. You battled breast cancer at 71 years old, and you beat it. We were so proud of you, and your strength. We didn’t think you would be taken from us so soon after. When i got the phone call, i knew something was wrong, i could hear it in my uncles voice. He told us we needed to come as soon as we could cause she couldn’t hold on much longer. She was waiting to say goodbye to my mom. My heart was pounding and felt as if it was breaking. You never got the chance to tell her goodbye, you passed later that night. I was in denial for a few days after that. I didn’t want to eat, i didn’t want to do anything but cry. I didn’t want to go to your funeral. I didn’t want to hear I’m sorry for your loss. I didn’t want sympathy. I wanted to be alone. I wanted to just lay in bed and cry. My heart collapsed when they started talking about you.. i couldn’t stop crying.. I’m mad at myself, because i didn’t get to tell you i love you, or even say goodbye. I didn’t want to believe you were actually gone. I’m glad you’re in a better place. I am too. I know you’re watching over me. I know when i got in that car accident you made sure i was safe… you were with me that day, and i know i only survived cause you were there. I love you, and I’ll never forget you.

Can God really fix the broken?

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in Spirit.

–Psalm 34:18

I have spent my previous 21 years believing in one simple lie: that I am not enough, that I will never be enough. I asked God constantly, will I ever fully be happy with myself? Will I ever be happy in general? I write today still wondering those same questions, however with a different heart then months ago. Before, I can truly say I was lost. A naive, sad girl who claimed to know Christ but did not want to accept the truths that came along with him. How in the world could one man have taken the burdens of every man in this world and still care for each and every one of them? How could one man love ME so much, after all my faults, and choose to die for…

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